


On Purpose

by ShenanigansEnsue



Series: Elizabeth "Doc" O'Neil [3]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst, Awkwardness, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hawkeye Thinks Outloud a Lot, Love Confessions, Nervousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:15:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29602329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShenanigansEnsue/pseuds/ShenanigansEnsue
Summary: Hawkeye writes a letter to his Dad and comes to a startling realization about himself and his feelings for Liz.Based on request: “I’ve been in love with you for years.” + I called you at 2am because I need you
Relationships: Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce/Original Character(s), Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Elizabeth "Doc" O'Neil [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1611625
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	On Purpose

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is actually how I’d plan to do this in the show, save for adding some small vignettes for parts of the letter. I’ll probably write a fuller length version of this later. But, hopefully you’ll like what I have written for this one.

It was late by the time Hawkeye finally got back to his letter. It had been a quiet day, which meant it had been a good one. Boredom hadn’t settled in, but there was just enough distance between casualties so everyone wasn’t dead tired. The collective tension of camp was starting to relax, and most everyone had spent the day catching up on chores before heading to the officer’s club for some impromptu R&R. 

Hawkeye had been the designated driver, for the evening leaving him to be the one to direct B.J. back to the Swamp as they were all but kicked out. 

It wasn’t all bad though. In solidarity, Liz had decided to stay relatively sober with him. They spent most of the evening talking and laughing. He even managed to pull her onto the dance floor, even if she maintained he was too tall for her. He loved it though. She was so easy to spin around and the laugh she gave every time he did it was infectious. Honestly, he didn’t really need much alcohol on a night like this. 

Eventually though, the party died down and everyone disbursed, leaving him with his charge. 

B.J. had passed out almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. 

Hawkeye was still awake, and so decided to continue on with the letter he had started that morning. 

_Dear Dad,_

_Things have finally calmed down around here. We’re on day seven without casualties. I heard a rumor that if McArthur doesn’t show up to the battlefield after day ten we can all just go home._

_In your last letter you asked about our dear Doc. Like a good son, I will convey the answer, but maybe ask about me next time just for variety’s sake._

_She’s more than happy to come up a visit. I can’t guarantee when that will be, but she did say she had nothing special planned after the peace talks._

_I can’t wait until you can meet her. I don’t know a single subject you can start that she wouldn’t have something interesting to say. Although, for your own sake, maybe stay off of music. I swear she knows the name of the second bass saxophone player on every jazz record that has ever been produced. Don’t question it. She’s always right._

_Also, don’t bother her about wearing a coat. I think she may be allergic to them. No matter how cold it gets, she offers hers to everyone who so much as shivers in her general direction. A kind gesture, but a little tricky when you can still buy clothes in the kid section._

_Have I mentioned how tiny she is? It’s hilarious how easy it is to put things just out of her reach. Radar had to special order her a personal step stool and everything. Childish? Maybe, but you should see just how cute she gets when she’s annoyed. Besides, a few piggy backs so she can pretend she’s tall and she’s right as rain. Your son has developed actual back muscles thanks to those piggy backs._

_You’re going to love her Dad. Honestly, if you didn’t ask her to come, I was planning to myself. I can’t seem to get the picture of the two of you finally meeting out of my head. I keep imagining showing her around Crabapple Cove, maybe going down to the water for a while until it starts to get dark and then the three of us having dinner, laughing and talking the whole time. It seems so far away from where I am right now, but I can’t seem to let it go. Can you blame me? It’s you and home and a beautiful woman all in one picture. The entire package. If you end up loving her half as much as I do, you’ll have your socks charmed off._

Hawkeye stopped. Blinking, he looked down at the words he had just written. 

_If you end up loving her half as much as I do…_

He wrote that. He wasn’t even thinking about it. His instinct was to go back and scratch out that last sentence, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He re-read his own letter, combing through each word as if it held some clue to his slip. He read it again and again, until finally he had to set it down. 

It came on him slowly at first; a buzzing in his chest that made its way out through his blood right to the tips of his fingers and end of his toes. He felt light, like he was just the right amount of drunk. He almost laughed.

And then it hit him all at once.

_If you love her like I do…_

Not giving himself time to think, he jumped up out of his seat and all but ran out of the Swamp. 

The camp was completely silent. He didn’t know what time it was and frankly he didn’t care. He just needed to talk to Liz, now.

In a second he was at her tent, rapping his knuckles hard against the thin plywood door. Luckily, she was a light sleeper and soon enough her groggy frame filled the doorway. 

“Hawkeye? Are you alright? It’s 2am.”

“Can I come in?” he asked, still too pumped up on adrenaline to give a proper answer.

She frowned, her brows furrowing in concern. “Did something happen?”

He shook his head. “Everything’s fine, it’s just…I need to talk to you. Please.”

That seemed to get her attention. She stepped out of the way, giving him just enough room to slip inside before immediately closing the door. 

Hawkeye didn’t turn to face her right away. He needed a moment to compose himself, but that proved difficult now he was in her room. 

Why had it taken him so long to notice just how much this tent was hers? Yes, he and B.J. were determined to make the Swamp as anti-army as possible. But, Liz had gone through the effort to make herself comfortable. 

A pile of blankets and pillows lay thrown across the bed, not for warmth, but simply for comfort. On her bookshelf were lines of medical journals followed quickly by fraying dime romance novels with worn spines. Her doctorate hung just to the side, right next to a group photo of nurses he knew was taken from her days in France. Everything around him told him just a bit more about her and it still wasn’t enough. He wanted to know everything. 

“Hawkeye,” Liz said, her voice finally bringing him back to the present. 

He turned around. 

She was awake now; her brown eyes bright and her arms crossed over her chest. Her hair was down, those soft chestnut curls falling freely around her face. It was taking everything in him not to reach out and feel those strands between his fingers; maybe even taste her lips while he was at it. 

“Do you want to sit down?” she offered. 

“No,” he said automatically. “I just…you’re beautiful. Do you know that?”

She blinked. “I’ve been told on occasion.”

He shook his head. “No I mean it. You’re…you’re beautiful. I’m pretty sure you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”

She rolled her eyes. “I bet you say that to all the girls.”

Hawkeye felt his stomach drop. She didn’t believe him. Or at the very least, she wasn’t taking him seriously. 

Liz moved towards the door. “Look I know you’ve been having trouble with the nurses, but I think it’d be better if you sleep this one off.” 

His heart rate spiked. His already sweating palms were starting to shake. The next words out of his mouth he had no control over. 

“I’m in love with you!” 

She stopped. Slowly, she turned back to look at him, staring at him in complete silence. 

“Or at least, I’m staring too,” he said, instantly wanting to kick himself for saying the “L” word so freely. 

She kept silent. 

Never in his life had he hated that perfect neutral mask of hers so much. 

“Hawkeye, do I have to renew your prescription?” she said, dryly.

He shook his head, both relieved she said something and frustrated it was the complete opposite reaction he had intended. 

“I promise, the last thing I need is a slap in the face.”

“Are you drunk?”

“No.”

“Are you sick?”

“No.”

“When’s the last time you slept?”

“I’m fine!” he said, trying to keep his frustration in check. “Christ, a man tries to tell you he’s falling in love with you and this is how you react?”

“When the man is you, yes.”

“There is nothing wrong with me!”

“Then why are you in my tent at two in the morning talking nonsense?”

“Because it’s not nonsense!” he snapped. “I’m crazy about you. I’m over the moon about you. I–.”

He stopped, and ran an agitated hand through his hair. “God, I’m saying this all wrong.” He started to pace, it was the only thing keeping him grounded. 

“This was probably the worst confession in recorded history,” he said, half to Liz and half to himself. “If there was a textbook on how to tell a girl you’re falling for her, they would use me as an example of what exactly not to do.” 

“I wouldn’t know, the last time a man confessed his love to me he was drunk and it was in French,” she said, dryly. 

He laughed, and just that release of air helped him get his bearings. He looked to Liz. Nerves still fluttered around his stomach, but they were more manageable than before. At least he had stopped pacing. 

“Can I start over?” he asked. 

She nodded. 

He took a breath, finally allowing his mind, his mouth and his heart to line up in the right order.

“I know this seems like it’s coming out of nowhere,” he said, “but promise it’s not. I’ve had a long time to think about it. A few years, actually. I guess, I just didn’t realize how deep I was already in it until about five minutes ago.”

She kept silent, but the simple fact she hadn’t told him to get out gave him the confidence to keep going. . 

“I meant it when I said I’m crazy about you. I like that you take your sugar with a drop of coffee. I like how you sing to yourself when you’re happy. I like that you never seem to get cold. I like that you never lose your head under fire, but still need me to get rid of spiders. I like that you can laugh at yourself. I like that you can laugh at me. Hell, I like that you’re perfectly willing to slap my face if the situation calls for it.

I like so many things about you Liz, and that’s just the stuff I found out on accident. I can only imagine the stuff I’d learn I liked if I started loving you on purpose.

So I guess the real reason I’m here at two o’clock in the morning is to ask; do you want me to love you?”

She stared at him. Her mouth opened and closed, a few times before finally a sound came out. 

“Hawkeye…”

“Please say yes,” he said, unable to bear the suspense. 

To his dread, she shook her head. “I can’t.”

Blinked, trying and failing to comprehend her words. “What do you mean, you can’t?”

She shook her head again. “I mean I can’t give you what you want.”

He stared at her. The warmth he felt in his blood now turned to ice. The fluttering nerves dropped like a stone and all he could do was stand there. 

“Are you telling me you don’t feel the same way?”

She laughed; a hollow, painful thing that made him just want to take her in his arms and hold her. But he knew it would only make it worse for both of them. 

“God, if it was only that simple,” she managed.

Relief, even joy sparked inside him, but the distress in her voice only left him confused.

“What does that mean?”

She took a breath and it was then he noticed the start of tears in her eyes. “It means, if I put in the slightest bit more effort, I’m going to end up in love with you. But I can’t let myself do that. I’m already in enough trouble as is.”

“Why not?” His tone was harsher than he meant it, but he couldn’t stop himself. She just told him she was falling for him too. The pair of them should be in each other’s arms right now, not this. 

“Because I already know what happens to me when I give all of myself to someone else, only to lose them.”

A sharp pain shot through his chest. Just a little reminder of who’s ring dangled at the end of the chain around her neck. 

“I can’t…go there again,” she continued. “I can’t be that person again.” 

“You’re not going to lose me, Liz,” he said, gently.

“How can you know that?! Can you guarantee you won’t get yourself killed? Or get bored? Or that you won’t just want to leave all this behind you the second you get home.”

“That’s not fair.”

“How?”

“Because nobody can promise you that!” he snapped. “Nobody can guarantee they won’t leave you, that’s just the risk that comes with loving someone. How do I know you won’t get yourself shot up again?”

“That’s…that’s not the same thing.”

“It’s exactly the same thing! The difference is I’m still willing to take a chance. The only question left is do you?”

And there it was. He hadn’t meant to sound like an ultimatum, but there wasn’t any other way he could think to say it. 

Liz stayed silent, those tears still unshead behind her eyes. 

“I can’t. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.”

He went still. A flood of emotions threatened to drown him as they surged through his body; heartbreak, confusion, anger. They tossed and turned, mixing one on top of the other until he couldn’t tell which was which. Finally, he settled on anger. It seemed to be the only thing keeping his head above water. 

“You know I’ve taken you for a lot of things over the years, I never thought coward would be one of them.”

He waited for a reaction, fury, tears, yelling, anything. But, she just met his eye, keeping her face a well practiced calm. 

“I guess you learn something new every day.” 

He couldn’t say anything to that. He was too angry, too hurt to even try to get the last word in. 

He stormed out of her tent, barely registering the slam of the door behind him. If anybody had heard them, they didn’t dare stick out their necks in the time it took him to walk back to the Swamp. 

He just managed enough self control not to slam the Swamp door shut behind him. The last thing he wanted right now was to wake up B.J. and especially Charles. 

He moved toward the still. There wasn’t much left, but it would have to do. He poured himself a drink, downed the glass and immediately poured another one. 

The last time he could remember needing a drink this badly after a conversation with a woman was the first time Carlye left him.

He poured himself a third glass. 

“Celebrating something?” B.J. asked, groggily. 

“Go back to sleep,” he said, shortly. 

“Something happen?”

“I said go back to sleep Beej!”

His friend frowned, looking between him and his empty glass. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Hawkeye let out a sigh. “I’ll tell you in the morning.”

To his relief, B.J. nodded and turned back over in his cot. 

Hawkeye sat on his bed, setting down the beaker of gin and placing his head in his hands. He couldn’t think anymore. The words and emotions buzzed around in his head until it felt like trying to find the work of Tolstoy in alphabet soup. His chest ached. He wanted to scream or cry, he couldn’t decide which, all while his head was spinning. Although, the spinning might have come from the gin doing its work. 

Pulling his hands across his face, he looked to the table to find his abandoned letter still waiting to be signed. 

If you end up loving her half as much as I do…

He snatched it from the table, crumpled it into a ball and threw it across the Swamp, as if that would somehow make the words untrue. 

Silently, he laid down on his bed, staring up at the canvas ceiling above him. 

He would have to tell B.J. what happened in the morning. He had no doubt somebody had heard them arguing and if he knew Liz, she’d try to avoid him all together. Rumors would spread and eventually the whole camp would know what happened. Would Liz ask for a transfer? Should he get a transfer? 

He ran a hand across his face. That was a problem for morning Hawkeye. Night Hawkeye still had some gin left and a few scraps of dignity. 

He kept drinking until finally booze and exhaustion pulled him into a dreamless sleep. It was only going to get worse in the morning. 


End file.
